Readers I have been remiss. What can I say for myself other than “I was busy getting my holiday swerve on”? How about I promise to never use the word “swerve” in a manner that does not pertain to turning my car again…deal?
Now that all is forgiven, holy lord did it snow something fierce in the Northeast for the last couple of days.
SO because I have heard that one of those Almanacs out there says it’s supposed to be a hard winter (along with nostra-whats-his-face’s predictions and my uncle who is a farmer) and because a childhood in New England coupled with four years in a mountain college in New Hampshire makes me dually qualified on the subject, I submit to you this guide for surviving a snow storm. (The word “surviving” here having the meaning “avoid death by boredom while stuck in your house for 24+ hours”)
1. Plug Stuff In
It will be windy, there will be heavy snow on power lines, maybe you lose power maybe you don’t, but if you don’t plug things in (your laptop, tablet, phone anything you need to be charged) you will be damn sorry when you have nothing to do but stare at a blank TV screen by candle light.
2. Prepare (sort of)
Look I’ve been through enough storms to know that they generally do not live up to the hype. I’m not saying you need to stock up your house like you’re auditioning to be on Doomsday Preppers, I’m just saying it will be no fun hungry times when you open the cabinet and realize you are low on pop tarts. It will be even less fun sober time when you realize you do not have wine, a mimosa-less snow day is what snowpocalypse really means. Make sure you have some basics (food, candles, matches, booze) because you won’t be leaving your house for a while.
3. Deal With The Snow Now
There is a real temptation to huddle under a blanket and binge watch the Law and Order marathon and tell yourself it doesn’t make sense to do any shoveling before the snow stops. DON”T WAIT. If you wait you will be dealing with a heavy, wet, frozen nightmare monster of a situation. I get it, that wind chill is a real bitch and that SVU rabbit hole has enough pull to attract it’s own moon (that’s a gravity joke, boom!). But take an hour and go uncover your car, your future self will thank you in the morning while they laugh at everyone else dealing with three inches of compacted ice on their windshield.
4. Have The Best Neighbors
My neighbors made me vanilla french toast when I showed up cold and damp at 11 a.m. because I had no coffee (I hadn’t prepared, see what happens kids?!). Listen, I hate people also but it behooves you to get to know your neighbors a little bit because when you are snowed in and ill-prepared they are quite literally all you have. Especially if they have a generator capable of powering a fridge and a flat screen. Make sure you keep these people on your obligatory friendly pleasantries rotation.
Stay warm dear readers and have a wintry cocktail for me!